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Apr. 26th, 2004 @ 10:57 pm
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My mom left me a note this morning- "I'm sorry if I seemed that I wasn't taking you seriously. I had just woken up. We can talk some more about this and try to figure out what we should do." So yeah. Very good, very good indeed.
I was telling Jill my "I have to move" story, and she told me that if my parents were to find an apartment too far away, that she has plenty of room in her new apartment. I guess there's two lofts in it, and she and her boyfriend aren't using either of them. I feel loved. She's having her apartment-warming party soon, so I get to see it. I doubt I'd take her up on her offer though.. even though she has a ton of space, I'd feel like I was intruding on her and her boyfriend. hm. I just remembered.. if I were to stay here, I wouldn't have a car. That's no fun.
I talked to my brother's girlfriend on the phone tonight. She seems nice.. and she has a very pretty voice. This is going to sound mean.. but I had expected her to sound kind of like a man. Sometimes I hate how I think about other people.. it's just that I think of my brother as the bottom of the barrel- the last guy anyone would want to date. Apparently, she doesn't feel that way. So I questioned my brother.. I found out she lives in Lynn and has her own apartment, the reason she's in my brother's program is because she has bipolar but she keeps up with her meds.. I was thinking she was just like my brother, and I told myself that two people who have problems with relating to people certainly couldn't have a relationship. But.. she's not like him. He told me that he had to warn me about something before I meet her.. and I guess she has slight fuzz on her face. He says she's beautiful.. I'm worried that if I meet her, I'm going to be an idiot or something accidently. They both find each other attractive, so that's all that matters. I'm just glad he found a nice girl that keeps out of trouble. Maybe.. he'll actually be able to have a relationship and be happy. I'm worried though.. I'm scared of all the problems he might have communicating, I'm scared that she might one day hurt him.. I don't know how he would act. I don't know how he would take it, if he would end up suicidal again.. as much as he drives me crazy, he's my brother, and I don't want ANYONE [besides me, of course] to hurt him.
I'm actually supposed to be doing homework right now.. so I think I will. Maybe. |
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Apr. 19th, 2004 @ 10:09 pm
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I wish I could see myself the way others see me. |
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Mar. 30th, 2004 @ 09:27 pm
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So.. the new pharmacy manager, Bill, seems to think I would be perfect for his son. Every time I say something, he says, "That sounds like my son".. and "You guys need to meet". It's basically because we had a conversation about books, and apparently, his son is into fantasy/sci fi like I am. Plus he has a group of friends that he role plays with, and I told Bill that I was supposed to join one of my friends but never got the chance. Every night I work with Bill, he says me and his son are "two peas in a pod". When I asked why he said that, he just smiled and said, "You'll see..". I'm scared!
So.. to go along with it or not. Hmm.. let's weigh the sides here. Positive: smart kid [going to college a year early], a reader, comes from upper middle class. Negative: Never met him before. Why would a 17 year old need to have his dad find a girlfriend for him? My brother put it best, "He's probably a nerd who can't get within ten feet of a girl." Or.. maybe this kid really is like me. I mean, Bill has seen different sides of me. My personality is.. really varied. Sometimes, I'll talk to random people, ask questions, and I'll sit there talking to them for a while. Other times.. even if someone tried to engage a conversation, I'd shrug it off and just mentally remove myself from the situation. Maybe Bill sees something in me that he sees in his son?
I'm just scared that his dad is just desperate to find him a girlfriend or something. From talking to the other girls that work in the pharmacy, he hasn't even mentioned his son to him.. and my friend told me that Bill doesn't even seem to like her at all. I don't understand why, but he loves me for some reason [lends me money, shares his dinner with me, getting me books to study for the SAT, and just spends time talking to me]. Maybe he just wants his son to have a girlfriend that he approves off?
I don't want to say no.. but I don't want to say I'll meet him either. It's not like I could lose anything from meeting this kid.. so what am I worried about? I'm worried.. I'll end up meeting him, and he'll like me. I know I can't say that I wouldn't like him since I don't know him, but that's just the way things work out. I don't like to hurt people.. so I hate it when guys like me. I would feel horrible rejecting someone else, and to top it off, I would still have to work with his dad.. |
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Mar. 26th, 2004 @ 05:37 pm
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god.. I hate myself. Why do I always have to cause fights? It seems every time my parents fight, it's because I did something, or I didn't do something, or they don't agree about something that has to do with me. And you know what? These fights are ones that I could prevent. If I just shut up and don't talk to anyone at dinner, nothing will happen.
I need to learn how to not talk. Anytime I talk.. either I'm ignored or I get someone mad at me or someone else. I should've learned by now that I just can't talk.
Next time my family actually manages to sit down and eat a meal together, the rare occurence that it is, I'll make sure I don't say a word. If they ask me anything, yes or no answers will have to work. I'm not going to do this to my family -to myself- anymore.
I don't understand why I've ever tried to talk in the first place. Any time I do, my dad and brother just interrupt me and don't care about a single thing I have to say. I'm sick of it. Everyone wonders why I have such a low self esteem.. and no one thinks that MAYBE it's my family making me feel I'm so inferior.
You know what? I changed my mind. It's NOT my fault. It's my dad's fault and my brother's fault, for always interrupting me, for not even CARING about a single thing I have to say. Well you know what? If you don't want to listen to me, if you want to me rude to me as often as you do.. I'll be the same way. Two wrongs don't make a right, but what goes around does come around. I'll make them see how I feel.
.. My mom just came in and talked to me and everything and apologized for my dad and brother.. but my dad's wicked mad. Wonderful. Even though she tells me it's not my fault, I know it is, and I hate knowing that I do that.
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Mar. 24th, 2004 @ 05:54 pm
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I got bored, so I made a new icon.. it's all from concept art for a game called Fable. I can't wait for the game.. even though it should've been released last year. That's okay though, I can attempt to be patient. |
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Mar. 24th, 2004 @ 03:54 pm
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Not looking forward to doing homework! I have four chapters from Pediatric Nursing, one from Mental Health, and a 25 page handout that has three pages of questions. So all together.. I get to read somewhere around 200 pages tonight and do close to ten pages of written work.
And people think that students going to a vocational/technical school do no work. HAH! We do the work that we have in our shop.. and then we have academic work on top of that. Honestly, I never wished I came to my school.. I'm worried I won't be prepared academically for college. I wish that I could switch out now.. but because the city's high school is so big [close to 4000 students] compared to my school [around 400], I won't be able to handle it.
I won't admit to my parents that they were right though.. I told them, "I'm the one who has to spend four years in high school, right? Shouldn't I get to choose where I want to go?". That's almost exactly what I say now, when they say they would rather have me go to a community college instead of Arcadia. It's my life.. it's ME who's going to be spending four years there.. and they can't choose for me. They can't lecture me about college, especially since they never went. They can't tell me what would be best for me. Only I can decide that. I could make another mistake.. but it's my mistake to make. Not theirs. |
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Mar. 22nd, 2004 @ 06:16 pm
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I feel sick.
Just got yelled at.. because of my room. Yeah, it's a mess. I know it is. It doesn't bother me though.. and my mom flipped out at me.
Not only that.. but I'm not doing the school work I should be making up right now. I'm not studying for the three tests I have in school tomorrow. I know I should be doing it.. but that doesn't make me do it.
Why do I do everything I do, when I know it'll result in my mom screaming at me?
I can't handle this. Apparently my mom hasn't noticed yelling doesn't do anything but make me hate myself more. That's all it does. It only makes me realize what a failure I am. It doesn't make me clean my room or do my homework. It has no positive affects. Why hasn't she noticed that yelling has NEVER accomplished anything? I've been constantly yelled at for as long as I can remember.. and she must realize it's never done anything. All it's done.. is made it so I try not to talk to her.
I guess one positive thing has come out of it. It helped to dull my emotions. I used to start crying at the drop of a pin.. my mom used to see me cry whenever she got the least bit angry. Now, I can wait until she leaves the room, until I know she won't come back. Then I'm free to let the tears overflow. Like now. Whoever said crying helps is wrong.. crying ALWAYS makes me feel worse. I guess it matters what you're crying about though. I cry because I'm an idiot, because I'm a failure. And I cry because I know that all my failings in life is my own fault.. I cry because I know I could change everything, but I know that even as horrible as I feel, I'll never bother to do anything.. and I'm constantly waiting to be yelled at.
*sigh* 6:30.. I'm going to sleep. |
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Mar. 14th, 2004 @ 08:48 pm
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I spent my whole day in bed, online. I haven't done that in such a long time.. and the worst thing is, I didn't even have fun doing it.. I just felt like I wasted all my time, which is what I did do. I should have just slept all day.
I want to make a new icon thingy. I don't know why I do, but I just want to make something. Too bad I'm not good with photoshop or paint shop pro.
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Mar. 14th, 2004 @ 05:21 pm
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I just found an animating program in my computer.. decided I wanted to try it out. So.. new picture =D
Plus, the icon no longer shows up for each entry.. I decided it just looked kind of cluttered if I write small entries.
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Mar. 14th, 2004 @ 01:12 am
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Mar. 13th, 2004 @ 12:44 pm
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Count down to work: two hours and sixteen minutes.
I hate work. Even though I haven't worked in a week, I don't want to go to work. Six hours isn't too bad, but still. I just want to lay in bed all day, maybe work on the history project I should have already finished. I suppose I can do some work when I get home, but I know I'll end up putting it off until tomorrow.
I see the sadness in their eyes
Melancholy in their cries
Devoid of all the passion
The human spirit cannot die
Look at the pain around me
This is what I cry for
Look at the pain around me
This is what I'll die for |
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Mar. 13th, 2004 @ 10:44 am
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John woke me up at 2am. Gr. For some reason, he sent me a text message that said, "Wakey wakey, eggs and bacy". He's such an oddball.
We have this running joke between us.. he calls me "son", because he said anyone under his age earns that title [note that he's only 22].. so I call him old man. I sent him an email at one point, because he told me to email him so he'd have my email, and I called him an old man.. and he said "you wish". I wish he was an old man? I wish he was younger! lol |
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Mar. 12th, 2004 @ 08:24 pm
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I went for one of my rides tonight, since I had to leave the house anyways. Now I remember why I stopped driving around. When I go out for a drive, I don't want to come home. At all. I just want to keep driving, to drive away from my home, away from everything and everyone I know.
Driving is so peaceful for me. I can just forget about everything.. forget about any stupid decisions I might have made concerning school, forget about any family fights, or any of my friend's problems. It's for me to just not think.. to turn up the music so loud I can't hear myself singing at the top of my lungs.
It's nice not to think some times. But on the way home, I always remember that the ride doesn't last long enough. It never does.
I was tempted to go out and sit in the baseball field tonight, and just stare at the stars. I want to just bundle myself up, and bring a bunch of blankets out in the middle of the field and go to sleep out there. Too bad I don't trust the neighborhood kids enough. Not that they're all that horrible, just that they're idiots. |
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Mar. 12th, 2004 @ 03:47 pm
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Yesterday was fun.. sticking it behind a cut just to shorten the length of my post.
( Read more... )
Today, a girl in my class, Delilah, did a presentation for her term paper on abortion. I've never seen such a powerful presentation. She told us the definition of abortion, told us the prochoice and prolife opinions, and told us the different methods of abortion. She also passed around pictures of aborted babies- god, I had no idea that the babies actually looked like babies at the point they do abortions.. I had thought it was too early in the pregnancy to really distinguish features and everything. I figured she would have ended it there.. then she told us that she had a paper that her mom wrote for her to read. Her mom had three abortions before Delilah was born. She said that when she saw the baby on the ultrasound, she couldn't have another abortion. All throughout this paper, Delilah was crying.. and half the class ended up in tears. I never understood why she hated it so much, but I can understand now. She almost didn't exist.. didn't get the chance to live. Because of that, she and her mom have been active in the community protesting/educating people about abortion. She also showed us a movie.. and the movie itself was sad too. It was a well done presentation, and I know that no one else can beat it.
My opinions on abortion still haven't changed. Then again, it's because I had mixed opinions anyways. Do I want abortion to be illegal? No. Do I want anyone to be able to have one? No. I do believe that abortion is murder.. whether or not the baby can feel, you take away a potential life. But.. at the same time, I think a limited amount of people should be allowed abortions. I believe that if someone is raped, and she ends up pregnant, she should have the opportunity to have an abortion. I personally wouldn't want to have a child that would remind me of such a horrible thing, and I would be scared that I would end up resenting the kid. My teacher said here that I could just put it up for adoption.. but I couldn't do that. If I were to carry a baby for nine months, go through the pain of giving birth, and then see it.. I wouldn't want to give it up. I wouldn't want to know that a son or daughter of mine could end up with an abusive family, or maybe just one that wouldn't support him/her the way they should. I couldn't live with that.. It's an equally hard thing to have to live with knowing that you took away someone's chance to live, but that would be the choice I would have to make. I don't know how many people would make it, but it should be out there. What about people that accidently get pregnant? Well, if they get pregnant, and were irresponsible enough to use birth control [or to get the emergency contraceptive in case of a condom breaking], they should have the kid.. and put it up for adoption if they don't want it. Simple as that. Same with people that are too poor- put it up for adoption. Abortion should never be used just because someone had an accident. |
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Mar. 10th, 2004 @ 07:42 pm
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Just got back from my guitar lesson. I love how I pay for just a half an hour, and I end up staying there for at least an extra hour. He's much too nice to kick me out of his house.
I wish, for one day, I could get into his mind. Yeah, I know it's something everyone wishes they can do.. so sue me for being uncreative. Seriously though, I just want to know what he honestly thinks about me. Is he flattered that I like him? Does he figure that since it's been over six months since I told him, that I no longer have any feelings for him? I wish I was older.. then maybe I'd have a chance with him. heh, or maybe I'd have a chance with him if I was older, prettier, more talented, and he was single. Or.. maybe it's good that I'm not older, because then it would hurt so much more to know that I would never get a chance with him. At least now, I can say, "hey, he's five years older then me.. how can I expect him to like a kid?"
I just wish that I could find out if he just thinks of me as a silly kid to humor, or if he considers me a friend, like he claims. I'm sick of nice people. If nice people don't like you, they wouldn't tell you. Talk to a jerk though, and they'd have no problems being honest. I think I just want to find friends that have no problem being brutally honest, but are also nice. People that will tell you the complete truth, but not say it in a way that's meant to hurt.
I think.. I need to sleep, or attempt to do so. Most likely, I'll lay in bed for four hours and torment myself picturing the silly things John does. |
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Mar. 10th, 2004 @ 03:40 pm
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I talked to my guidance counselor today about signing up for the SAT and we talked about college for a while. She's actually visited Arcadia and said it's a nice place.
We're setting up a meeting with my math teacher to talk about my options next year. If he thinks that I'm ready to take precalc, then I'll take it. I'm just scared to death that I'm going to choose a class that will be too difficult for me, and I'll fail. My guidance counselor told me it's better for me to challenge myself though, and that when she writes a recommendation letter for me, being able to say that I'm working hard at a difficult class will look better then working hard at a moderately hard class.
I had to make up an english test today, so after I was done with guidance, I headed to my english class. My teacher saw the papers I had, and ended up talking to me about college. He told me he's also visited Arcadia, and likes the campus. He thinks I should major in english! I guess he thinks I'm a good writer, and he knows that my reading skill is higher then a lot of other high school kids. Years ago, I actually did consider it. I wanted to be a writer at one point, and then decided I wanted to be an editor. I ended up changing my mind though.. I wouldn't major in english because whether or not people think my writing is good, I don't. My writing is acceptable, but not good enough to have a career in it. |
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Mar. 9th, 2004 @ 07:58 pm
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I miss Invader Zim. I wish it was on dvd or something, because I want to be able to watch it when I want to! Best cartoon ever. For some reason, I'm also craving the 10th Kingdom.. I taped it when it was on tv, but I can't find the stupid tapes! I think the reason why I want to watch my favorite things now is because I haven't really watched tv much over the past three months or so, and I don't want to watch tv unless it's something good.
I actually had a short conversation with my brother today. I make it a point not to talk to him, because I've realized that basically any time he has one of his fits, it's because of something I said or did. I do tend to provoke him, so I'm aware that it is my fault, yet I can't help myself. Anyways, he was telling me about a woman at his program. She's around his age, 21, and he tells me they often go for walks and just talk. And she's interested in Transformers- his favorite cartoon and toys. It's amazing. I thought that because of his problems, he would never find someone he could be with, never find someone he could relate to. Even though they are able to be friends, at least for now, I doubt it will go past that. Just the fact that he has autism, even a high functioning type, makes it practically impossible for him to hold down a relationship. I hope he doesn't get his hopes up.. because although I don't mind telling people how it really is, I don't have the heart to say, "Look, you're autistic, and she's in that program because she has similar problems. It won't work out because you will never completely understand human emotions, and she most likely won't either."
It's just shocking to think about how much he's improved over the years he's lived with us. He's lived with us for.. three years now? Maybe four? I'm not sure. I remember my parents telling me that if he lived with us, maybe the way we acted would rub off on him. The past few years have been difficult, but he HAS improved. It really is impressive. Tonight, he came to my door, and asked me if I was planning on getting him a birthday present. He told me that it was okay if I didn't want to, and showed me something that he was wanted- and even said that if it was too expensive, he could find something cheaper. The toy is only $20.. and he acts like he's asking me to spend a fortune on him. A few years ago, he would ask for something that cost several hundred dollars from my parents and flip out when he didn't get it. And it's not only that. If he even thinks that someone is getting angry, he'll ask. Although he still can't understand facial expressions, he's beginning to understand the words that we say.
I still complain about him fairly often, but that's only because I'll always wish that I had a "normal" brother. I just wish that when he gets me angry, when I hear the fighting between him and my parents, that I would take the time to remind myself of the progress we've seen.
My friend called me tonight, to see if I was going to go to the first meeting on Thursday for the king arthur's faire show. I was worried I wouldn't be able to get there, because it's like an hour away from here, but he had a plan- we're going to take the train to Boston, then a subway to the city that the meeting is being held in. I'm looking forward to it. Although I'm not going to be acting, I just love the whole atmosphere. I love actors- they're always so out there, so off the wall. I admire the courage they have to make fools of themselves, but I've always been too shy to even try. Anyways, Thursday should be fun. We're going to spend two hours in Boston, since we'll be there by five, and then we'll be heading over to the meeting. Hopefully, I won't get home too late.. since I normally spend four or five hours laying in bed before I can get to sleep. Earlier I get to bed, the earlier I'm able to sleep. Some times.
Speaking of sleep.. it sounds good right about now. I don't know what it is about school that exhausts me so much, but it does. |
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Mar. 8th, 2004 @ 08:53 pm
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I drove to the mall tonight, and it was snowing more then I thought it would be.. on the way home, I saw three accidents within a mile. People were actually going 40 on the highway, when most go around 80. It felt weird to be going so slow.. but for once, I didn't care about the lack of speed. I cared about being safe and not getting myself and my friend killed.
I ended up buying Judas Christ by Tiamat, and although it's not as good as the songs that I downloaded, it's not bad either. It's just too quiet, too.. calm. I'm going to search for the cd with the songs that I know. I want that cd. After I bought it, and realized it wasn't as good as I had hoped, I wished I had bought the Moonspell cd. Oh well.. it was only $8, so I didn't really waste much money. I'm not worried about it. |
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Mar. 8th, 2004 @ 03:27 pm
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I emailed a community college to ask about taking a class over the summer because as I said in my email, I haven't made the best of my high school years so far, and I got a reply today. The woman who emailed me told me that I have to graduate before I can take a class.. so that's out of the question. She also said, "By the way, you are very well articulated and I'm sure will not have trouble getting into college." She later also said to keep the community college in mind.. but it's going to be my backup school. They have literally no requirements. Your GPA doesn't matter, they don't require any essays, recommendations, test scores, interviews, and there's no application fee. It's not a horrible school.. but the only way I would go there is if I didn't get accepted into any of my other choices.
I'm so psyched right now. I got an A on a book report I spent twenty minutes on. The teacher started class by saying that a limited amount of students did what was asked for, so most got low grades. I hate my school, because there's really only two levels- honors, and everyone who isn't good enough to get into honors. Yeah, I don't deserve to be in the honors anymore because I slacked off miserably last year, but it's such a huge step down, and I just feel stupid. Oh well. |
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